9:13 p.m. | 2012-12-04 Are You My Mother? When I was young, this was my favorite book. Amazon.com describes it thusly: "Are You My Mother? follows a confused baby bird who's been denied the experience of imprinting as he asks cows, planes, and steam shovels the Big Question. In the end he is happily reunited with his maternal parent in a glorious moment of recognition." Good thing I enjoyed it because it's essentially the story of my life minus that last part. I too was "denied the experience of imprinting" because, as I mentioned in my last entry, MommaCrayCray has a personality disorder. There was never any bonding or even any particular affinity between us. I spent my life wandering around seeking that special parent-child, mother-daughter connection. Along the way, I was lucky enough to find some great mentors and parental stand-ins in addition to the realization that I'll never experience the infamous mother-daughter relationship. It�s just not something that can be replicated post-childhood. And, while I will never know what a true mother-daughter relationship is like, those who have experienced it will never understand the absence of it. And, there's the rub. Society talks a lot about it saying that mother-daughter relationships are complicated, beautiful, singular, rewarding, frustrating and so on, but you don't often hear that they're also reciprocal. I have girlfriends who tell me that their mothers drive them nuts but they're also their best friend. There's a give and take there that balances the rough moments with the blessed moments. Therefore, smack talk about your own mother isn't generally acceptable or even understandable. Neither is not getting along, not wanting to spend time together or having limited or no contact. In my experience, the child is always held responsible for any relationship deficiencies while the mother is to be pitied for having such awful offspring. I suppose this came about because parents can always overrule children no matter the age of the children. That's because we often carry that parent-child dynamic long into adulthood. Here's where it can get really distorted when a personality disorder is involved. MommaCrayCray is unable to have a peer-to-peer relationship which further complicates things. It seems to me that other mother-daughter relationships become increasingly peer-to-peer as the daughter matures into adulthood. That can't happen in my case because MommaCrayCray is only capable of a dominant or subordinate dynamic between us. I either get to be her parent or she gets to be mine with no middle ground. For so many years, I have felt like the "bad daughter" because society has suggested as much. When people find out that I have limited contact with my mother, they push me to justify it but if I say anything negative about my mother, they make excuses for her, suggest how I should modify my thinking/behavior or shake their heads at me. When my mother complains about me, her peers cluck their tongues and pat her arm in sympathy. It's exasperating. I finally figured out that women who have "normal" mother-daughter relationships can't conceive of not having one. They mean well but simply can't relate. Now, I'm simply happy for them and avoid sharing my experience. But more importantly, I've stopped taking on the blaming and shaming I receive from "society." Things that apply to normal mother-daughter relationships don�t apply to abusive/toxic mother-daughter relationships and it's more important for me to keep myself safe and sane than to meet society's expectations. And, I've finally stopped asking heavy construction equipment: "Are you my mother?" Just sayin'. your thoughts? seed flower