12:16 a.m. | 2018-08-11

Since my last update things have evolved, changed, gotten better and worse, been up and down and all that. It’s just a regular life I lead.

I cut off contact with my mother due to her mental illness. The Sisterhood is alive and well. The family stuff is all good.

Work… well that’s evolved since I last updated. I accepted a manager position and several leadership roles. Hence, I’m learning what managers/leaders do. As an employee, I struggled sometimes to understand what my manager did other than play solitaire all day.

Turns out that managers have a lot of responsibilities but often they don’t undertake them. It also turns out that I love manager work. I have always adored the recruiting and hiring process, training, educating, encouraging, coaching, mentoring, directing, and guiding others. Some call that being “bossy”.

I’ve always been bossy. There’s a strong chance that I’m super annoying. But I’m totally a systems and process person. You want to know how to work something out? I’m your best friend!

But, you know, it’s easy to be a manager when you get to pick your employees, have a great boss, and have been there since the establishment your unit.

In other news, I married some years ago and my husband was recently diagnosed with cancer. He’s done some chemo, had surgery, and has more chemo to do. The prognosis is grim. His chance of being alive 5 years from now is 20%. That’s way better than the 5% prognosis from others with his particular cancer.

Still… that’s a dim prognosis.

I’ve become my husband’s caretaker. Typical evolution but not one I ever really thought about.

My husband has cared for me through fevers, surgery, and a broken leg. He’s a fabulous caregiver… for an undemanding patient. When I was growing up, I was groomed to care for others before myself. It’s a pattern I’ve had all my life. Having cared for many others, I know how demanding they can be and whenever I’m a patient, I try to counter that experience – I try to be as low maintenance as possible.

However, my husband has never had a major health issue or procedure. It’s all new to him and he’s particularly hostile towards all of it. He became horribly controlling in the hospital because everything was out of his control. Dealing with his hospital experience was challenging – especially hearing him tell nurses, doctors, and visitors (including me) how to do their “job”.

I understand that he’s scared, in pain, and a bit panicked, but so am I and as his caretaker, I don’t have the privilege of sleeping instead of dealing with things, understanding what I should do for a cancer patient, or comfortably doing nurse stuff (administering shots; flushing lines; removing pumps, etc.).

But enough about my husband.

This is my space and I want to reclaim it. I need it more now than ever.

your thoughts?

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