11:05 p.m. | 2005-11-01 Neither Here Nor There Just Everywhere. I haven’t talked about my fibromyalgia for quite a while. Not here or otherwise. Mostly because it’s in remission. I’m quite ecstatic about that, of course, but I haven’t mentioned it for several reasons. One, I’ve always lived my life waiting for the other shoe to drop and I didn’t want to jinx myself. As that type of thinking is rather habitual, there was a small part of me that still bought in to all that bahooey. Not any more. Two, I have a lot of empathy for anyone and everyone who suffers from fibro, any ICI (invisible chronic illness) or any other sort of condition. While I’m certain that all those who suffer or have suffered similarly would be/are happy to know that I no longer live in chronic pain, it’s not a real comfortable thing to know that others continue to suffer. And three, I lived with fibro so long that I have to redefine and rethink my life since pain is no longer a driving force. It seems like it'd be easy. You know… I simply rejoice at my pain-free living and pick up my life where I left off about ten years ago or so. Not so easy when you’ve spent years reconfiguring it to accommodate pain, spasms, shaky vision, cognitive difficulties, a compromised immunity system, fatigue and about a thousand other symptoms. Not to mention all the side effects from the various medications. Plus, ten years ago, I was in law school. As successful as that venture was, I have no desire to ever, ever re-live that particular form of torture. Speaking of medications, I’ve stopped taking all of them except my breathing meds (for obvious reasons) and my thyroid replacement meds (for not so obvious reasons). What a relief. What freedom, actually, to not have to be dependent on drugs. Well, except for the breathing meds and the thyroid stuff. All told, I’ve gone from taking seven drugs several times a day to two drugs that I take once a day. (Oh, and I’m saving some money there. See, I haven’t factored that into my current life either.) I feel fantastic. The world has opened up to me again. I can move about confidently, can plan things I haven’t been able to in years and, most importantly, I don’t live in pain every single moment of every single day. In fact, I don’t have pain anymore. Yet, I can’t slip back into the life I lived before. Or into the person I was before. I don’t care to either. Obviously, I wasn’t a rock star before the fibro but I was on what I thought was a good path. However, my life wasn’t nearly as rich as it is now. That’s the difference I suppose. The fibro humbled me to the extent that I needed to be humbled. That’d be deep for those keeping track. And the pain and daily struggles kept me humble. Long enough for me to realize that I was so full of shit before. My priorities were seriously out of whack and I had no idea what was truly important in life. That the fibro is in remission now does not make me a sudden rocket scientist though. What’s important in life is still something I learn about every day. But here’s what I know so far… Relationships are key. You cannot live without them. Even the Unabomber has relationships. They aren’t good ones, for sure, but hating others keeps him alive. Just for the record, my relationships are much more loving and aren’t actualized as criminal acts. Well, and I’m really bad about sending packages. Life is not a dress rehearsal. So very true. This has become more evident as I’ve gotten older. Carpe diem. Sometimes I have to do things like go on the MegaDrop ride at the local fair to drive that point home but I try to think about it every day. Be Present. Step outside of yourself as much as you can. Humans are inherently and rightfully selfish – that’s how we survive – but all of us have moments, many moments, that don’t require a microscopic lens on ourselves. Share a little. Or a lot. I could go on but I won’t. I’m busy rediscovering life and it is good. One of the best things about it? I always know that I can come here and land softly. That’s a wonderful thing. Thank you. your thoughts? seed flower