11:02 p.m. | 2005-12-16 Hidden Grief. Most people relate grief to death. Rightfully so. Measured by that yardstick, I’ve done a lot of grieving in my lifetime. Lots of death. Not counting the year of death? Yeah, lots more. But grief is about loss, at least to me. Death? That’s a certain thing. People are just going to die throughout your life. That’s a given. However, there are a lot of other losses that people experience. Losses that aren’t so obvious. One that I’m facing now is a loss of my own family. I’m unmarried, in my forties and have never been pregnant. Perhaps I’ll get married someday but that’s not gonna make me any younger and I doubt that I’ll ever birth my own children. That’s something I think about. Something serious. In fact, I’ve been open to the idea of dating lately. Then, I think again and maybe not. One reason? I hate the inquisition part. It goes something like this: (Date:) Do you want to have children? (CI:) Well, I’d want to be married first, and I’ve not ever been, so I’d like to be there first. (Date:) What about children? Do you want them? (CI:) I don’t know. (Date:) So, you don’t like children? Is that the deal? You’re too selfish maybe? (CI:) No, I love children. I’d need to be married first. I haven’t married yet so… and no I’m not too selfish… (Date:) Sounds like you are. Look, it’s okay if you hate children. Just be honest. (CI:) I don’t hate children. Not at all. It’s just… well, nevermind. See, that’s were I stop the conversation. Not only because I’m quite offended at that point but also because that’s a seriously personal question to me. Probably because it’s a seriously personal issue to me. One that I’ve never spoken about until recently. I was talking to a friend of mine, recently, when the subject came up. I finally voiced my honest opinion about it. Only because I knew she could accept it. (Friend:) You look a little sad today. (CI:) Really? I’ve been thinking about kids. You know, my own kids. Not that I have any, obviously, but about just that. I’m getting too old to have kids anymore and I think I’m mourning that fact. Or, maybe just realizing it. I mean, I don’t want to have any right now, but I guess I thought I would have at least one by now. I don’t know… (F:) Why haven’t you? (CI:) I’ve never wanted to have kids because I don’t want to do to them what my parents did to me. I, um… it’s hard to explain. I have a responsibility. I feel responsible towards my unborn children. I feel that it’s my responsibility to not have my children. (F:) You feel it’s your responsibility to NOT have your children? Wow. That’s a very serious statement. Very deep. Do you realize that? (CI:) Yes. Yes I do. That’s why I abhor such inquiries. Having children is a very, very serious matter to me. Obviously. Yet, I know it’s not… that’s not always how it goes. People have planned or unplanned children and that’s fine. It’s not… I don’t judge other people. Not at all. I know so many parents – together, single, whatever – who are wonderful parents. I admire those people. It’s not about that. Other people. (F:) What’s it about then? (CI:) Just that personally? It’s very, very deep. It’s something I’ve felt for as long as I can remember. It’s kinda silly too, you know, thinking I have a responsibility to not have my CHILDREN. That presupposes that I could and that they’re, I don’t know, somehow sitting in suspension somewhere. Like they pre-exist. I don’t even know if I can have children, but I’ve always felt that I have a responsibility not to. (F:) That’s complicated. (CI:) Yeah, it is. That’s why I hate it when anyone asks me about kids. But, especially my dates. It’s too complicated to explain so I just try to talk around the question. Which, quite frankly, doesn’t work. It’s a very personal question. I wish it was recognized as such. (F:) What if you don’t have children? (CI:) Well, that’s what I think I’m mourning. I don’t think I ever will. That’s sad to me. I’m gonna miss out on all of that, and I think that all of that is really a lot. I know how much I love kids, I know how much I love my nephews and I can only imagine how amazing it is to have your own children – whether you give birth or adopt – I think that bond must be the most amazing one you could ever have in life. I hate that I’ll probably not ever experience it. (F:) This is very serious to you. (CI:) Yeah. It is. (F:) Well then, don’t answer those questions. (CI:) What questions? (F:) From your dates. You don’t have to answer them. (CI:) You know what? You’re right. (F:) But, you really should go back to dating. Just to get out and stuff. (CI:) You’re telling me to get out more? That’s rich. Really rich. Yeah. I’m considering dating again. Not like tomorrow or anything, but it’s been on my mind. Also on my mind? I need to date less offensive men. Or well, those who are not offensive at all. That’d be a good start I think. your thoughts? seed flower