7:23 p.m. | 2006-01-18 Inside Out. A few years ago I realized that I was living my life expecting to be married someday. In my thoughts about my future, nothing was set, meaning that I could envision myself married or not. Not a big deal actually. However, my actions - the way I was living my life - seemed to be based on eventual matrimony. Some sort of subliminal societal programming. An idea buried far away in my subconscious. For example, I lived in rentals always presuming someday I would live in a house, you know, after I got married. Once I realized this, I starting making decisions differently. I moved Downtown, choosing to live in a space wholly suited for ME. Without regard for anyone else. My home is set up to be pleasing and workable for me. And, I cast aside the customary idea of a “knight in shining armor” galloping into my life and unfurling my future at my feet. An idea as unappealing as it is unrealistic. Freed from this expectation, I went on with my life. Kinda. Recently, I once again realized that I’m waiting for something. I’m not sure what. Some outside force that will guide my future I suppose. For many years, I was engrossed in doing just that... guiding my own future. I amassed life skills, work experience and education aplenty in order to move my life in the direction I wanted to go. Once I achieved all that, I just kinda sat back not knowing what to do from there, I guess. Originally, my goal was to make sure that I could always be self-sufficient. I never wanted to rely on anyone else. I watched MyMother go from man to man, susceptible to their whims and their control because she was unable to support herself. I never wanted that for myself. I wanted to always have choices. So why am I still waiting for something to propel my future? I think it’s because I don’t really know how to proceed. MyMother taught me to be a “good wife and mother” – how to wait on men hand and foot, how to properly clean a house from top to bottom, how to subordinate my needs and desires. Meanwhile, MyDad taught me to be independent – to pursue my goals, to put myself first, to become whoever I wanted to be. I think I ended up confused. On the one hand, I refuse to compromise myself for another yet on the other hand, I find myself apologizing for not being more reticent. I jump into my life with both feet and then carefully withdraw them as though I’ve leapt onto some forbidden territory. As far as generations go, I’m technically a Baby Boomer. However, I really fall into a little-known category of ‘Tweeners – those who are really between Baby Boomers and Generation X. It’s a generation hopelessly confused by a lifetime of mixed messages. Remember this: “I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let you forget you’re a man because I’m a woman, W O M A N!” Yeah. Thanks. So the next thing on my list is to just get on with my life and stop waiting for whatever it is I’ve been waiting for. It’s time to shine. Rock and Roll! your thoughts? seed flower