12:43 a.m. | 2004-03-13 Big People And Big Words. Both Can Be Big Bluffs. Or Not. Today, a bunch of us at work went to lunch together. We had to drive there, so of course, we all piled into Colleague�s SUV which seats 5 million. Or eight full-grown adults, if�n you consider me to be full-grown. On the way to the restaurant, DepartingColleague (today was his last day), was telling us about the time a few folks beat him up. It happened during a kind of protest thing � you know, where there�s one group on one side of the street shouting one thing, and another group on the other side shouting something else. You know, those things tend to be somewhat contentious. Albeit, that point seemed to be lost on DepartingColleague. Hence, he was surprised when he was rushed � after shouting some well-intended yet not well-received words across the street � and, well, got his ass kicked. And how. He still seems surprised that such a thing like that could happen. Assault and battery being against the law and all. (Yes, they he did press charges; no nothing came of of because no one could ID anyone else. Again, not surprising. Well, not to me.) I myself choose to stand by Communications 101 Rule Number 1: Know your audience before choosing your communication style. Anyway, that prompted another colleague, Kramer, to poll all the lunch members about their personal brawling histories. He started with Colleague. Good move on his part. Here�s that. (K:) So C, have you ever been in a brawl? (C:) Once. (I whipped my head around in surprise.) See, one day I went to a protest type of thing and there was this guy shouting stuff so I went across the street and beat him up. And, of course, we all busted up. I, too, predominately use my wit. Funny that. Then, he continued and answered the question honestly. (C:) Being a rather big guy, no one ever bothered me because they presumed I�d beat them up. So, no, I�ve never been in a fight. (CI:) Me neither. For kind of the same reason. Except in the opposite way. Sorta. See, when confronted, or highly irritated, I have a tendency to threaten to kick the holy live shit outta a person, but they always back down. No one�s ever called my bluff on that, but then again, how cool is it to brag about beating up a girl who�s not even 5 feet tall. (K:) Yeah, that wouldn�t be good on a resume. (CI:) And, consequently, I�ve never been in a fight either. Albeit, I�m pretty liberal with the threats. UA was curious as to why someone would ever confront me and threaten my safety. I explained that it happened pretty much just in high school. You know, over stupid stuff. That�s how I summed it up anyway, but that�s not quite the full story. See, I had/have �cousins� that lived in the same town � that�d be ENTown for anyone keeping way too many details about me � that I went to junior high and high school with. I only say �cousins� in a technical sense; heart-wise I say cousins. In other English-type words, our fathers were best friends. Anyway, my GirlCousin was a tomboy � much like me � so we hung out quite a bit in the early years but ran in different crowds later due to the age difference (she was several years younger). However, one day, I found out that she�d been running around the town threatening to unleash �her cousin� (that�d be me) on anyone who crossed her. Interestingly enough, I found that out during at a public event while she was running from the very people she�d threatened. This is that. (GC:) Hey Cuz, good to see you. You need to help me out. Right now. (CI:) What? (GC:) There�s a bunch of girls that said they�re gonna beat the shit out of me and they�re gonna be here in a couple of minutes. By the way, I told them you�d kick all their asses. (CI:) What? Are you kidding? What the� (GC:) Here they come; just act all cool. (GirlPosseLeader:) GC, we�re here to kick your ass. (Looking at me and back to GC.) Who�s she? (GC:) She�s my cousin. (GPL:) THE cousin? (GC:) Yes. (GPL:) (Turning to me.) Sorry, didn�t mean to trouble you. We�re going to get some lunch. Just giving GC a hard time. Hardee har har. (CI:) You best be on your way to lunch because I�ll kick all your asses if you aren�t gone in two minutes. Oh, and GPL? (GPL:) (Gulping.) Yes? (CI:) You ever bother GC again, you can bet that I�ll hunt you down and kick your ass all the way into Russia. You got it? Are we clear? (GPL:) (Gulping.) Yes. Have a nice day. Honestly, I still find that funnier than fuck. I was shocked when GC told me that she�d gone around telling people I�d beat them up and I was petrified when the posse showed up. They were younger, of course, but much bigger, of course. However, it all turned when the �leader� appeared terrified by the invocation of the word �cousin�. I saw it, read it, and played it for all it was worth. And, frankly, once I realized they were more afraid that I was, I started to have a little fun with it because they�d been harassing GC for quite a while. I would have stepped up sooner had I realized that I had superpowers or whatever. Of course, after that amazing coupe on GC�s part, she continued to invoke my name, randomly and for many, many years. Consequently, I got quite accustomed to people confronting me, quite unexpectedly, while I was out and about. Which is how I learned a whole repertoire of rather intimidating threats. Ironically and quite hysterically (as in funny), I became a legend in that town � ENTown, again for anyone keeping track � as a kick-ass fighter. And, even to this day, some people do that gulping thing when they hear my name. They even mention my reputation� as a �fighter�. Just for the record, I�ve never been in a fight. Don�t even know how to fight. My fall back plans have never changed: 1) run; 2) act crazy; 3) joke my way out of it, or 4) kick and run. But, well, threatening has always worked well for me, so I think I�ll stick to that for now. That, and the good old stare-down. Special News Alert For leebozeebo. I'm only joking about not knowing how to fight. Trust me, brothah, I know how to bring you down. Way down. Are we clear? your thoughts? seed flower