11:57 p.m. | 2005-11-24 Dear Dad. This is the first Thanksgiving where your actual death date, the 24th, fell on the holiday. Had it been the first year or the second year, I think that would�ve been too much. But, the third year? It�s really okay. It�s odd how you�re so much on my mind, you know, since your death. The first year, my conscious mind brought you forward so much that it hurt. By the second year, with all the other deaths, it was overwhelming. ExBIL�s death one year later was apropos in that sense. It was so random and shocking it served as a great book-end, if you will, to the year of death. The younger ones, your grandkids, got really anxious. They spent a lot of time begging all us adults to just not die. They�d look deep into our eyes, clasp our faces with their tiny hands and beg us all not to die. It was heartbreaking. Especially because we looked at each other in the same way. Please, please don�t die. Not now. It�s too much. We�d say to each other. At the same time that we patted the youngsters on the head reassuring them that we weren�t going away. Not even to the next room, much less off to �heaven�. But, this third year? It�s okay now. I miss you no less than I did when I got the phone call. And, your presence is still strong in my life. However, I�m more comfortable with your absence at Christmas in July and the random family get-togethers. I don�t expect to see you there anymore which is okay because you�re around me all the time now. Stepmom misses you a lot as does MyMother. It�s a little odd trying to comfort both of them at the same time. Their memories of you are so wonderful to hear though. Ditto with the sisters. The little ones? Their memories are just plain funny. Speaking of the little ones, you�d love EldestNephew�s son and YoungerSister�s second son. And, when I look at them, I see so much of you. The eyes, the manners, heck� even the anxiety � it�s all there. When I held BabyNephew today it was like you were present. I swaddled him just like you taught me. Did you know that Stepmom always sends me a note that arrives on your death date? Every year without fail she reaches out to me and my sisters. To your biological children. (I imagine she offers comfort to her own kids too, since you were so close to them, but I think that�s different.) After you died, she stood by us in such a strong way and she still does. You know that though. That�s why you married her. I don�t think that Stepmom ever thought she�d have the responsibility of comforting us though. Heck, even I never thought she�d be in that situation. You know that she spends every morning talking to you, right? Every time we visit she puts out the picture board of you. You�re still part of every occasion, you know that, right? The coolest thing? I feel so much peace from your presence. I know you were tired and didn�t fight your exit. I�m good with that. It hurt a lot at the beginning, for sure, but I understand now. BabyNephew carries your name as well he should. He�s bright, inquisitive and on the go. He crawls like a fiend, is already vocal and is fearless. Loves to smile too. The rest of us don�t carry your name but I see your spirit everywhere. It�s in EldestNephew�s practical nature, Happy�s creativity, LittleNephew�s perfectionism, GreatNephew�s optimism and BabyNephew�s ambition. Hold my tears for me Dad then rest easy. We�ll take it from here. your thoughts? seed flower