7:35 p.m. | 2003-02-26 Cruel Irony�s Book Club & My Precarious Mental State. The other day, Boss, Colleague and I went out to lunch. During lunch, we discussed the fact that Colleague is having a swimming pool put in the yard of his new home. A big pool, with waterfalls and a spa. On our way back from lunch, we were talking about the actual mechanics of such a project. Don�t let our use of technical terms intimidate you. Here it is. (Boss:) Are they digging up the pool area with those big machine things? (Colleague:) Yes, they are but only because I have a lot of space in my side yard which enabled them to get the big equipment in the backyard. See, for a lot of yards, they have to dig using little bobcats, but they were able to get that big machine back there. You know, the one that digs up dirt. What�s it called? (CI:) A backhoe? The one with the scoop-bucket thing? (Colleague:) No, not a backhoe. The one like a backhoe but the scoop thing is in the front. (Boss:) A front ho? (Colleague:) No. Not THAT. The other thing. (CI:) I know what you�re talking about. I can picture it but I forgot what it�s called. It�s that big machine that the baby bird was sitting on in the book Are You My Mother?. It was red in the book. (Colleague:) Yeah, THAT thing. Oh, that was a good book. (CI:) Yeah, it was my favorite book. (Colleague:) Me too. I use to read it to my boys all the time. (Boss:) What the hell are you guys talking about? (CI:) You know, the book where the baby bird falls out of the nest and is trying to find it�s mother and it goes around asking different animals and things �are you my mother?� and then it climbs up on an excavator� Hey, THAT�s what that thing is � an excavator! (Colleague:) Yeah, that�s it! Lest you think my book club doesn�t tackle serious life issues, here�s what Amazon said in its review. �[Are You My Mother?] follows a confused baby bird who�s been denied the experience of imprinting as he asks cows, planes and steam shovels the Big Question.� (emphasis added.) I think we�ll start with cloth/plastic books and work our way up to kindergarten primers. Then we�ll sit around sipping drinks while we discuss the deep, poignant and sometimes confusing life lessons found in Dr. Seuss books. While wearing goofy hats. Maybe we�ll even role play. What�d you think? Sound like fun? Today I was reading the TV listing in the newspaper while I was being shuttled to my car, because I often forget to watch things then you guys all talk about stuff the next day and then I feel left out. Anyway, I immediately discovered a conflict. See, Uncle Bob is messing up my TV viewing. All because of his reviews at Television Without Pity. First, his reviews got me hooked on The Surreal Life and now he�s reviewing Fraternity Life which airs tonight. I was checking the paper to see what time it comes on only to discover that it conflicts with Law & Order. Oh dear. Then, I noticed something. This is what it said in the newspaper TV guide. Verbatim. Law & Order: Bitch. I swear, it really says that. Then, I got a little paranoid. �Are you talking to ME?� I thought. �Are you calling ME a BITCH? I mean, I know I�m Law & Order�s bitch but I didn�t know the paper knew that too. Was I receiving a message through the media? Is my TV gonna start talking to me now? Then I thought maybe my eyes were acting up. So, I leaned across the aisle and asked a fellow shuttler if it said �Law & Order Bitch�. He looked startled, replied yes and moved away from me. That�s me. Yup. Law & Order�s crazy bitch. But I got a book club, so there. Ha! your thoughts? seed flower