7:23 p.m. | 2003-05-06 Cruel Irony Upsets The Delicate Ecological System. Of The Shuttle. First off, thanks to atomicbuddha, girlsdontcry, tuff517, ehadams, lagrimitas, kate-nz and emeraldtiger for your vacation/holiday well wishes. You�re all bastards. Every last one of you. Unless you find my affectionate little nickname offensive, then you�re a sweetie. Anyway, in my customary fashion, I left out of my house this morning, grabbed my newspaper from its point of delivery (the middle of my driveway), and drove to the parking lot to catch the shuttle to work. I got all comfy and settled into a seat on the shuttle, grabbed my rolled up newspaper and proceeded to remove the rubberband wrapped around it. As my paper unfolded, I watched, in horror, as a snail was instantly catapulted across the aisle and onto the floor in front of a seat. A snail that had been nestled snuggly in the middle of my morning news. Let me back up for a second and tell you a little about my relationship with snails. In the insect world, they are my arch nemesis. That could be an understatement. See, I plant beautiful flowers and plants in my garden and then they eat them. They lay in wait for me to start digging around and then they gross me out with their slimy, cold and squishy little bodies. They�re disgusting, maddening and I will kill them. As long as I can do it without touching them. I passionately loathe them. And, there I was, stuck smack dab in the middle of a snail situation. On the fucking shuttle of all places. Immediately, I was hugely grateful that no one was sitting across the aisle. Imagine explaining that. I figure it�d go something like this. (Passenger:) Did you just throw a SNAIL at me? (CI:) Uh, yeah. Sort of. Sorry. I mean, I didn�t do it on purpose. It was in my newspaper. (Passenger:) What? Why would it be in your paper? Did you FLICK it at me? (CI:) No. See, when I was unwrapping my paper, it just kind of flew out of it. (Passenger:) Yeah right. What kind of person brings a snail on the shuttle and then throws it at someone? FREAK! (CI:) No. Really. It wasn�t like that at all� I could only imagine how I�d then be ostracized by my fellow passengers. They�d all shun me, tease me and call me names. Eventually, I�d be kicked off the shuttle for being all incorrigible and stuff. But, fortunately, no one was sitting across from me or behind me. Actually, I don�t think anyone even saw it happen. As I sat there, I watched the snail slowly inch its way across the floor and start slithering up the base of a seat, and I realized that I had another dilemma on my hands. Do I tell the driver or not? Since no one noticed this whole thing, I could just slink off the shuttle and no one would be the wiser. Except there�s that whole karma thing. I know that if I don�t say anything, when I get on the shuttle in the evening, the snail will be waiting for me. I�d sit on it, step on it or have it slither up my leg. I know better than to challenge karma. As I continue deliberating, I realize that no one would expect a snail to be on the shuttle as they usually travel by foot. So to speak. So, if I don�t say anything, eventually someone is going to encounter this snail and be surprised. And, probably grossed out. Could be the driver, a fellow passenger or the people who clean the shuttle at the end of the day. It could even slither up the driver�s leg, freak him/her out and cause an accident. That would be a bad thing to have on my conscience. After all, I brought the damn snail on the shuttle in the first place. So, I decide I have to tell the driver. But, how do you quickly (they have a schedule to keep) explain this rather odd situation? Well, like a blathering idiot. Here�s that. (CI:) (Waiting until every one else has left the shuttle.) Excuse me. Hi. I, um� well, uh, I accidentally flung a snail onto the floor. It was, um, on my paper, and uh, it just kind of flew off. It�s climbing up a seat right now. Let me show you where it is. (Driver:) (Looking at me like I�m speaking in pig Latin.) Okay. (CI:) See, it�s right there. I�d throw it off myself but, uh, they gross me out. Sorry. (Driver:) Okay. Thanks. I�ll get rid of it the next time I stop. (CI:) Sorry. Lets just hope he did cause he looked freaked out too. Guess I better start checking my paper every morning. And, you know, the snails in MyTown are not indigenous. A long time ago, someone brought snails to this area to raise for escargot. Now they�re EVERYWHERE. Even on the shuttle. Heh. See what happens when you go messing around with delicately balanced ecological systems? your thoughts? seed flower