8:42 p.m. | 2003-06-27 Remember When I Said I Was Going To �Grab The Bull By The Horns�? Yeah well, I did. Except I don�t think these are horns that I�m holding in my hands. I think I got the wrong end of the bull. I�m not sure of the exact moment that my life started to unravel today, but perhaps taking my 15-year-old, much neglected car to the shop wasn�t a good way to end my week. Apparently, I�ve been using the word �car� rather loosely; perhaps the term �death-trap� would be more accurate. Anyway, I dropped off the Grim Reaper�s Ride at the shop today so they could check out the brakes. I mentioned my little, mysterious radiator problem since I was there and all, and asked them to check that out too. Then, a super young mechanic drove me to work. It was all hectic and shit at work until right before lunch when I received a call from MyCuteMechanic. It�s never a good thing when a conversation starts like this. (CI:) Good Morning. MyWorkPlace. This is Cruel-Irony. (MCM:) Hi. This is MyCuteMechanic from the shop. Are you sitting down? (CI:) Yes. (Heavy sigh.) What�s the verdict? (MCM:) Well, you don�t really have any front brakes, and your brake fluid is leaking out of the rear brakes. You really need to have all that fixed. (CI:) Um. Okay. (MCM:) I�m really sorry to give you bad news. Especially on a Friday. Do you want me to continue? (CI:) Um. Sure. (MCM:) Your radiator problem? Your water pump is leaking. It really needs to be replaced. (CI:) Anything else wrong? (MCM:) Well, I haven�t had time to check anything else, but I did notice that I can see the metal through the treads on the front tires. The back ones look okay, but you really need to replace the front ones. (CI:) Do I need to replace them right away? (MCM:) Let me put it this way, if this was my car� (CI:) This would never be your car. (MCM:) You�re right. Let me put it this way. If you were my girlfriend, I wouldn�t allow you to drive this car until you had these three things fixed. They�re all very serious. (CI:) (Thinking: �If I was your girlfriend, I wouldn�t be having car problems at all.�) FUCK. I�m sorry. Um. Okay. (MCM:) I can fix the brakes and pump today and it�ll cost around $600. I would recommend that you replace the tires somewhere else because it�d be a lot cheaper than having us do it. I�m really sorry. If I work really hard today, I can get the brakes and pump done. It�s a little warm today, but I can manage it. (FYI: It was over 100 degrees today and he�s working in a shop without air conditioning.) (CI:) That�d be really great because I�m also moving so I don�t really have time for these kind of problems. And, I really appreciate your hard work. That�s not gonna be too pretty in this weather. Go ahead with the repairs. And, thank you. Did you notice that part where I very emphatically said �FUCK� while I was sitting at my desk in the office, on a personal phone call with MyCuteMechanic. Nice. That really should have been a warning. By the way, that reminds me of something that happened in a proceeding today. There�s always a person whose job consists of saying certain things and reading stuff aloud. They�re all very good and professional. However, this morning when I was listening, I heard this. �Blah, blah, blah, oh my god, blah, blah, blah�. But, she did it so smoothly, you really had to be listening closely to hear it. Then I went to lunch with Boss and Colleague. We stopped by TheHotel to get the rest of the keys to my dreamspace on the way back. Oh, and I got mail there already! We went back to work and I tried my best to carry on. That didn�t go so well. Intern had the day off but he volunteered to come pick me up after work and drive me to the shop. I called him to confirm our plans. Or rather, I attempted to call him. I dialed �his� number and waited for an answer. Imagine my horror when I discovered that I accidentally called a phone sex number. Using my work phone, while sitting at my desk. At WORK! AT WORK! Holy Fucking Shit. I screamed �ACK!� and slammed the phone down. I believe that�s what they refer to as my �startle reflex�. I scream �ACK!� and throw something at the object of my fright. Hesitantly, I picked up the phone again, dialed very carefully and left a message for Intern. Then, I immediately went to the Head of the Division that handles such things as phones. Well, and the monitoring thereof. This is that. (HD:) Hi Cruel-Irony! (CI:) I just did a terrible thing. I mean it was just awful. (HD:) Really?! What�d you do? (CI:) Well, I was trying to call Intern and, apparently, I called the wrong number. (HD:) (Chuckling.) Who�d you call? (CI:) I called PHONE SEX! (HD:) (She was laughing so hard she couldn�t respond.) (CI:) Since you guys check the records, I wanted to let you know that I did call PHONE SEX, but it was an accident. (HD:) Well, did you listen for an hour or something?! (CI:) No, I screamed and hung up the phone immediately. (HD:) That is so funny! (CI:) You know, I heard this weird noise when it first picked up. I think the woman was trying to �growl� in a sexy way, but it sounded like a wounded animal or something. It wasn�t until she spoke that I realized that it was definitely the WRONG number. (HD:) That is one of the funniest stories I�ve ever heard. But, you�re fine. Since you hung up right away it may not even show up on the records. That is sooo funny! You know, it�s not like I�m a frigid nun or sheltered virgin or even easily offended. It�s just that it�s rather surprising to be sitting at my desk at work believing that I called Intern and suddenly hearing some chick trying to sound all sexy while she�s talking dirty. Yikes! Yesterday I was talking about whips and today, it�s phone sex. Next thing you know, I�ll be going to bars and bringing strange men back to my diary. See, I told you my diary would be more exciting if I moved. Anyway, I was waiting outside, in the sweltering heat, for Intern to pick me up after work when the Downtown UPS guy pulled up in front of the building. He hopped out of his truck, said �Hi� and something else I didn�t hear and disappeared into the building next door to pick up packages. Now, I�ve worked in the Downtown area, on and off, for about 10 years now. In several different buildings, so we recognize each other. And, let me just tell you, he is one of THE hottest UPS guys I�ve ever seen. I don�t see him in my building, but I see him randomly when we�re out and about. We always say �hi�. Speaking of his hotness, I now remember the �conversation� we had today. Here�s that. (UPS:) Hi! (CI:) Hi! You must be boiling up! (Notice how I just blurted out my thoughts there. Thank god it was over 100 degrees outside at the time.) (UPS:) Oh, you know it! It�ll be over soon though! (CI:) Yeah� You know, there�s a very good possibility that TheHotel is on his route. See, more exciting. Lets just move along now. Intern arrived right about then, picked me up and whisked me to the Auto Shop. Here�s that. (CI:) Hi. Is my Car of Death ready? (MCM:) You must be Cruel-Irony. Yeah, it�s ready. By the way, do you hear a clicking sound when you go around corners? (CI:) No. I turn up the radio. My car makes sounds, so I turn up the radio so I don�t hear anything. (MCM:) Right. Okay. Well, I checked your �CD burners� and they�re pretty worn. You might want to get them replaced at some point. (CI:) My WHAT? (MCM:) Um, okay. See, your car is front-wheel drive so you have �boots� on either ends of the axle. C/V boots. They�re blah, blah, blah (car stuff). (CI:) Oh, C/V boots. Of course. (MCM:) And, since we replaced the front brakes, you�ll hear a kind of �swooshing� sound when you stop for the first 500 miles. (CI:) Uh, no I won�t because I�ll turn up the radio. (MCM:) Oh yeah. Right. Please call us if you have any questions or if, you know, you want to have any of this other stuff fixed. (CI:) Oh, I�m quite sure you�ll be hearing from me again. Have you noticed that my entries have recently turned into short novels? Yeah. I need to pack stuff. However, I�ve obviously had a long day so I�ll worry about that tomorrow. Ugh, I have too much of a life right now. In fact, you might want to remind me to eat during this next week, because I keep forgetting to. your thoughts? seed flower