5:18 p.m. | 2003-10-01 Rant, Rant, Rant. There, Consider That Mood Lighting. The season is changing, the light is dimming earlier and soon we�ll all turn our clocks back an hour. All these changes are causing flare ups with my pain and the thousand other symptoms I experience. Ever since I got sick� I�m gonna stop right there and tell you everything that�s wrong with what I just wrote. Well, conceptually wrong. I�m ignoring the fact that it doesn�t have any sort of panache whatsoever. First, it�s recurring, redundant AND repetitive. At least in the manner that I use it. In other words, I say these words over and over and over. Then again. And, once more. What�s really irksome, or just downright fucking annoying � depending on the day � is that I don�t say them for me. I say them for you, you know, the universal you, not anyone in particular. I say them to answer your questions about why I�m tired, or in pain, or not thinking clearly, or saying my words wrong. I say them so you feel more comfortable with my illness. I say them so you can find a place to lay the blame. I say them so you have a logical explanation for why I�m having some sort of problem. Mostly, I say them to reassure you that you had nothing to do with causing my trouble. See, I don�t need to find explanations for me anymore. I understand that, with fibromyalgia, I can be just sitting there minding my own business and suddenly be stricken with any number of symptoms for absolutely no reason at all. I also know that some things I do, some things I don�t do, and some outside forces have a tendency to lead to flares. I try my best to limit/cope with those things. I am so tired of you asking me �why?� or �what did you do to cause this?�. And, ironically, chronic fatigue is a symptom of fibro and sinus allergies � I suffer from both � so when I say I�m �tired�, I usually mean that both figuratively and literally. Most of the time, �tired� is merely a euphemism for �completely wiped out�. Here�s what I wish you would do. Just fucking accept it. If you want to sympathize or empathize, feel free � just don�t patronize me. You might also note the my in fibromyalgia. See, it�s my problem, not yours. Oh, and if you could get the door for me, I�d appreciate that too since it�s very difficult and painful for me to open doors. Thank you. Lets talk about me. I don�t know when I started saying, �before I got sick� and �ever since I got sick� but I need to stop it. NOW. It doesn�t even make sense since I�ve had symptoms since childhood. I just didn�t know what in the fuck was wrong with me. Incidentally, now I have a much clearer idea of just what the fuck is wrong with me, fibro included. Yes, I do have more limitations now. No, I can�t do some of the things I used to do. Blah, blah, blah. However, a similar thing happens to most people. It�s called aging. I have fibro and I�m getting older. So the fuck what? I�m just wasting my breath adding that qualifier to sentences. Aaaarrrrggghhh! I so need to get over myself already. Or, so help me god, I�m gonna� IRRITATE myself to death. Phew. I guess I had a few things I needed to say. We can move along now. Oh, wait, just kidding. We can�t move along now. Well, technically, you can leave any time you�d like, but I need to get this rant out of my system. I talk about my illness more in my diary than I do anywhere else. Mostly because if you don�t want to listen to my complaints you can easily leave without having to look me in the eye as you slowly back away. When I�m whining face-to-face to someone, it�s a little more awkward for them to run away. Unless you�re a fellow sufferer, it seems that it�s difficult for people to grasp the concept that I�m in pain ALL THE TIME. The level of pain may vary, but there is NEVER a moment that I�m not in pain. Because my illness is chronic and there�s currently no cure, I�m facing a life sentence here. Not only am I in pain all the time, chances are that I will continue to be for the rest of my life. That�s a long time to me. Well, theoretically, at least. I�m also tired ALL THE TIME. Again, the level may vary, but there�s NEVER a moment that I feel well rested. Life sentence again. In addition, here�s a mere HANDFUL of other symptoms I experience: morning stiffness, sleep disorder, chronic headaches/migraines, dizziness, multiple chemical sensitivity, audio sensitivity, myofascial pain, respiratory problems, itchy and dry skin, exercise intolerance, cognitive or memory impairment, decreased ability to concentrate, problems performing multiple tasks at one time, numbness and tingling sensations, muscle twitching, muscle weakness, irritable bladder, the feeling of swollen extremities, skin sensitivities, dry eyes and mouth, frequent changes in eye prescription, and impaired coordination. That�s just a small portion of my �other� symptoms, folks. I have maintenance drugs, coping skills and painkillers (that do not alleviate much pain and make me violently ill). That�s a pretty small arsenal if you ask me. Anyway, I don�t talk much about all my medical problems for two main reasons. One, because no one really wants to hear about it. It�s just not a fun topic, and it makes people feel uncomfortable. But, more importantly, the other main reason I don�t talk about it much is because I can�t and don�t want to �live there�. If I complained every time I experience pain or discomfort, it�d be the only thing I�d talk about. And, you can bet I�d be talking solely to myself. I�d rather just go on with my life and distract myself with interesting people and things. However, just because I�m not complaining, that doesn�t mean everything is hunky dory. Actually, if I don�t complain at all, that usually means that I�m in really bad pain or having a lot of trouble. Every once in a great while though, I really need to purge all this crap so I can move on. Speaking of moving on, lets go. I�ve been having some cognitive trouble lately. As much as I hate being �spacey�, it often leads to some pretty funny moments. Like the other day when Colleague and I got in the elevator at the same time. I happened to be standing on the side all the buttons were on, but I also was experiencing a little fugue-like moment. Here�s what happened. (Colleague:) OurFloor please. (CI:) (Snapping out of my fugue.) Oh, sorry. Thanks. (Colleague:) I�ve been standing here thinking about just how to handle this situation without insulting your intelligence. I didn�t want to say anything, but� (CI:) Don�t worry about insulting my intelligence, because I�m not sure I have any left at this point. I�m glad you said something because frankly, I had no idea where I was or where I was going until you spoke. I was spacin�. You know, a teleprompter would be really handy at the moment. Well, and a muse. your thoughts? seed flower