10:11 p.m. | 2005-12-13 My Ancestors. Suddenly, We�re Quite Close. And, Not In A Good Way. I had a doctor�s appointment today to discuss my recent test results about my cholesterol levels. I�ve been dreading this appointment as my most recent results are not so good and the busy season at work is starting. I really didn�t want to hear bad news while sitting in my doctor�s office when I really needed to be at work. Thankfully, my boss has been quite understanding about all my recent medical and dental appointments. Anyway, I found myself, once again, sitting in my doctor�s office today discussing my somewhat optimistic but overall dismal lab results. I�ve been trying really, really hard to become heart healthy too. Completely changed my diet, been exercising, reduced my stress. All in vain I guess. Genetics. It�s my genetics that are messing all that up. Explains a lot actually. Once my doctor started talking, it all made sense. My first surgery? Suddenly an explaination. One that�s been a long time coming. So many medical personnel have pondered it, but finally, I know why it happened. Genetics. That�s why I was cut open at 18 years of age. Why I�ve had certain health issues. It�s all about my ancestors and such. Not that my diet and exercise routines are without fault, just that I can only do so much. And, what I�ve been doing? Not enough. So now I�m not only on thyroid medication, I�m on cholesterol medication. Of course, I�ll still keep up with the dietary and exercise measures, but I�ve had to come to realize that those measures are just not going to cut it without medication. My goal of not being on medication is gone, but hey, not having a heart attack is a good result. Answers are good too. Very much appreciated, actually. In other news, MyMother asked me if I decorated a tree for Christmas last year. I kinda did. I bought one of those tiny grocery store Christmas trees. The ones that are about a foot tall and already decorated. Just one day around Christmas I felt I needed a little cheer and I picked it up. The year before? No. Absolutely NOT. Not with three fresh deaths between Thanksgiving and Christmas. That first year? EVERYTHING festive bothered me. BOTHERED me. Made me angry. The second year? I wasn�t keen on celebrating, Christmas music ANNOYED me and then I bought that little tree. That was all. Just a nod towards the holiday season. This year? This year it�s better. I�ve already decorated two trees (reference the last entry), I�m singing along, finally, to Christmas music and I�m not bothered by other people�s festivities. I don�t know if I�ll buy another little tree, but I don�t find them offensive in any way anymore. I�m a little hesitant because I�m rolling up on the anniversary of my aunt�s death. As it�s been a few years, it wouldn�t be so present in my mind except that her daughter�s due date is the very same date. If my aunt and uncle were still alive, it�d be their first grandchild. And, it still hurts me that my cousin � who�s many years younger than me � will be birthing this child without her parents. See, that�s where it�s hard. Yes, it�s been three years since MyDad and YS�s FIL died. Soon it�ll be three years since MyDad�s younger sister (my cousin�s mother) died. Then, starting next year, it�ll be three years since my grandmother (mother�s mother) died, my uncle (my deceased aunt�s husband) died and finally, my ex-brother-in-law (EldestNephew�s father) died. I think of one, I think of all six. There�s a lot of gravity in that thinking. A lot. So I�m happy that I�m okay with Christmas songs. Christmas trees. Any holiday trimmings. I�m happy that, most days, all those deaths aren�t so present in my mind anymore. Not in the forefront. A lot of times, I wish they all wouldn�t have died within a year in such a choreographed way. With EXBIL dying exactly one year to the date of MyDad, they serve as bookends to the other four deaths. When I think of one, it�s hard not to think of the others. When it�s connected to the holiday season, it�s hard to avoid all together. But, I have to say, I�m so happy that I can once again sing along to Christmas songs and dress a tree. That�s not about forgetting; that�s about moving on. your thoughts? seed flower