11:02 p.m. | 2005-12-16 Hidden Grief. Most people relate grief to death. Rightfully so. Measured by that yardstick, I�ve done a lot of grieving in my lifetime. Lots of death. Not counting the year of death? Yeah, lots more. But grief is about loss, at least to me. Death? That�s a certain thing. People are just going to die throughout your life. That�s a given. However, there are a lot of other losses that people experience. Losses that aren�t so obvious. One that I�m facing now is a loss of my own family. I�m unmarried, in my forties and have never been pregnant. Perhaps I�ll get married someday but that�s not gonna make me any younger and I doubt that I�ll ever birth my own children. That�s something I think about. Something serious. In fact, I�ve been open to the idea of dating lately. Then, I think again and maybe not. One reason? I hate the inquisition part. It goes something like this: (Date:) Do you want to have children? (CI:) Well, I�d want to be married first, and I�ve not ever been, so I�d like to be there first. (Date:) What about children? Do you want them? (CI:) I don�t know. (Date:) So, you don�t like children? Is that the deal? You�re too selfish maybe? (CI:) No, I love children. I�d need to be married first. I haven�t married yet so� and no I�m not too selfish� (Date:) Sounds like you are. Look, it�s okay if you hate children. Just be honest. (CI:) I don�t hate children. Not at all. It�s just� well, nevermind. See, that�s were I stop the conversation. Not only because I�m quite offended at that point but also because that�s a seriously personal question to me. Probably because it�s a seriously personal issue to me. One that I�ve never spoken about until recently. I was talking to a friend of mine, recently, when the subject came up. I finally voiced my honest opinion about it. Only because I knew she could accept it. (Friend:) You look a little sad today. (CI:) Really? I�ve been thinking about kids. You know, my own kids. Not that I have any, obviously, but about just that. I�m getting too old to have kids anymore and I think I�m mourning that fact. Or, maybe just realizing it. I mean, I don�t want to have any right now, but I guess I thought I would have at least one by now. I don�t know� (F:) Why haven�t you? (CI:) I�ve never wanted to have kids because I don�t want to do to them what my parents did to me. I, um� it�s hard to explain. I have a responsibility. I feel responsible towards my unborn children. I feel that it�s my responsibility to not have my children. (F:) You feel it�s your responsibility to NOT have your children? Wow. That�s a very serious statement. Very deep. Do you realize that? (CI:) Yes. Yes I do. That�s why I abhor such inquiries. Having children is a very, very serious matter to me. Obviously. Yet, I know it�s not� that�s not always how it goes. People have planned or unplanned children and that�s fine. It�s not� I don�t judge other people. Not at all. I know so many parents � together, single, whatever � who are wonderful parents. I admire those people. It�s not about that. Other people. (F:) What�s it about then? (CI:) Just that personally? It�s very, very deep. It�s something I�ve felt for as long as I can remember. It�s kinda silly too, you know, thinking I have a responsibility to not have my CHILDREN. That presupposes that I could and that they�re, I don�t know, somehow sitting in suspension somewhere. Like they pre-exist. I don�t even know if I can have children, but I�ve always felt that I have a responsibility not to. (F:) That�s complicated. (CI:) Yeah, it is. That�s why I hate it when anyone asks me about kids. But, especially my dates. It�s too complicated to explain so I just try to talk around the question. Which, quite frankly, doesn�t work. It�s a very personal question. I wish it was recognized as such. (F:) What if you don�t have children? (CI:) Well, that�s what I think I�m mourning. I don�t think I ever will. That�s sad to me. I�m gonna miss out on all of that, and I think that all of that is really a lot. I know how much I love kids, I know how much I love my nephews and I can only imagine how amazing it is to have your own children � whether you give birth or adopt � I think that bond must be the most amazing one you could ever have in life. I hate that I�ll probably not ever experience it. (F:) This is very serious to you. (CI:) Yeah. It is. (F:) Well then, don�t answer those questions. (CI:) What questions? (F:) From your dates. You don�t have to answer them. (CI:) You know what? You�re right. (F:) But, you really should go back to dating. Just to get out and stuff. (CI:) You�re telling me to get out more? That�s rich. Really rich. Yeah. I�m considering dating again. Not like tomorrow or anything, but it�s been on my mind. Also on my mind? I need to date less offensive men. Or well, those who are not offensive at all. That�d be a good start I think. your thoughts? seed flower