5:56 p.m. | 2003-01-25 Missing Some Skeletons In Your Closet? If you are, you might find them at the science museum which is where I went today. You might remember that I got a free pass there when I went to the history museum. I also mentioned that I�ve never been to the science museum before, but I didn�t tell you why. There are three main reasons. One, it�s outside my normal cruising range. Much like a wild animal, I have a territory complete with invisible borders. However, unlike wild animals, I refrain from �marking� my territory by peeing on or rubbing against trees and such. Two, it�s located in a section of MyTown that�s infamous for it�s seedy motels, dens of iniquity and every imaginable kind of vice. Frankly, I�m more comfortable in the ghetto and actually think it�s safer there. Plus, when I�m in the ghetto, I�m more likely to be mistaken for a social worker than a prostitute. In the seedy section, if your female and breathing, it�s presumed that you�re �looking for a date�. Finally, it�s geared towards children. Don�t get me wrong� I love the little ones, but big gatherings of them make me a little nervous and usually cause a migraine. They�re noisy, full of frenetic energy and, invariably, underfoot. And, the child from hell is always wherever I want to be. So, I courageously left my territory and warily headed to the science museum. Much to my surprise, it�s located next to the children�s receiving home which is a �way station� for children who have been removed from their homes (for abuse, neglect, etc.), or newly orphaned and/or abandoned kids. These two buildings are literally right next to each other. I find that odd, don�t you? The parentless little kids can look out their windows and see happy little children having a good ol� time with ma and pa at the science museum. They can witness special little bonding moments. How sweet. Anyway, they had a new exhibit today: skeletons. Before you start to protest, I should tell you that none of the bones were real. They were all made out of plastic. In addition to the familiar old human skeleton, I also saw the skeletons of an armadillo, a turtle, and a rat. Oh, and I got to see a wart hog skull and learned the difference between horns and antlers. And, guess what? �Without a skeleton, most animals would just be a floppy pile of tissue.� Just thought you�d want to know that. In addition to that exhibit, they have a planetarium, so I got to see all the constellations and learn about light pollution. I also got to listen to some mullet-headed wisdom. The planetarium is a round room with a round, domed white ceiling. Smack dab in the middle of the floor was a rather large contraption. With a little bit of deducing, I quickly determined that was the projector which would project images of the constellations on the domed ceiling. However, mullet-headed dad told his son that the contraption was a satellite. I�ll just let you think about that for a second. After the solar system show, I headed to the wildlife room. There I saw a green iguana which was found many years ago walking around downtown. I learned that green iguanas have a third eye located on the top of their head which is light sensitive and may play a role in mating cycles. I also saw a particular species of tarantula � in that species, the males mature within 18 months and live about 3 years while the females mature in about 3 years and live for about 20 years. That�s all about procreation there. I also saw giant Australian walking sticks (quite good at the whole camouflage thing), Asian walking sticks (they vomit when harassed � just like me) and giant cave cockroaches (they�re as disgusting as they sound). There were also the usual suspects� rabbits, turtles, squirrels, possums, goldfish, porcupines and snakes. Sadly, most of the animals used to be family pets but were quickly abandoned. Others were injured animals which were rescued and donated. After checking out the animals, I scurried over to see the Wildlife Presentation. I thought that perhaps they had some exotic creatures which were kept out of sight until the special presentation. Well, I was wrong. Instead, I watched a presentation about the green iguana I had just visited. The average age of the children in the room was around 5 years old. The average age of the adults in the room was about 35-40 years old. Mostly it was families. Except me and a couple. I�m quite sure the guy was newly divorced, just found this girlfriend and is now getting more sex than he�s had in the last 10 years. Besides that �I�m newly divorced and on a sex high� look that he had on his face, here�s his contribution to the wildlife presentation. (Presenter:) Any questions? (Creepy Guy:) What about mating? How do they �do it� and do they lay eggs? (Presenter:) YES! EGGS! Yes they do lay clutches of eggs. Yeah, they do lay eggs. And, um� uh� um, I guess they �do it� like any other animals. I mean� I don�t really know much about how they mate because, um� well, we usually don�t talk about that because the children really don�t understand that too well. Uh. Um. Sorry, I don�t know much about how they mate. Jerk. You know some parent�s going to be tucking in their little child tonight and the child�s gonna ask: �What�s mating, Momma? And what�s �do it� mean?� At least one child, if not several. Creepy Guy should�ve just taken his date to one of the seedy motels down the street. I mean, I love �mating� as much as the next person, perhaps even more, but I refrain from discussing it when I�m in a room full of young children. I�m just saying. Best deal of the day? Free admission to the museum AND free parking. Most disgusting thing? The giant cave cockroaches. They�re huge and flat (to make it easier to get into crevices) and just plain gross. The creepiest thing? You probably thought I�d say Creepy Guy, but no, that wasn�t it. It was when I was driving home and I felt many, many eyes on me. I looked over and I was passing a busload of male prisoners. Not only were they checking me out, they were making obscene gestures. Charming, no? your thoughts? seed flower