4:37 p.m. | 2003-03-08 Hot or Not? Furnace Guy? No. My humble abode? Yes. Lets hope my gas bill takes an immediate plunge. After all, the only thing the Furnace Guy contributed to the solution was muscle albeit, that probably won�t be reflected in the bill. Now, I wasn�t really being serious about the whole Man of My Dreams thing but I certainly expected some sort of mechanical wizardry from the Furnace Guy which always garners my respect. My personal theory about my furnace problem was as follows. At some point, I had to turn off the gas and when I went to turn it back on, I couldn�t get the valve all the way open. Because I�m not strong enough anymore. Well, and the fact that the valve is 3� below the floor and has to be opened with a special metal key. As a result of the valve being only slightly open, my furnace only had two functional settings: ON and OFF. Since it�s Winter, it�s been on 24/7 for quite a while and not exactly warming up the place. Now, I could have asked any of the neighborhood husbands for assistance but I tend to only do that when absolutely necessary because they have their own houses and their own honey-do lists. Plus they have wives. It�s one thing to go a-knockin� to borrow a cup of sugar and quite another to go a-knockin� and borrow a husband, even if it�s only for a small mechanical problem. Anyway, I was up early, showered, dressed and awaiting the Furnace Guy. I got a little impatient when he was 20 minutes late because I had plans and had to leave as soon as he was done. I even had my shoes on� in my own house! So I called him. This is that. (FG:) Hello? (CI:) Hi, this is Cruel-Irony. (FG:) Hi! I�m trying to get to you, Sweetie. (CI:) So you�re on your way? (FG:) Yeah. Tell me again what your address is. First sign of trouble. The second came some 10 minutes later. (FG:) You�re at 1234 MyStreet, right? (CI:) Yes. Where are you? (FG:) 1234 MyStreet. (CI:) (Walking outside.) Well then, you�re here. (FG:) Oh, I see you now! Okay, I�ll come in then. Now, let me point out that he�s sitting in his mobile shop on wheels in front of my house. If you have a mobile shop, I�m thinking that you should know your way around town. And, get this, I found out later that he�s lived in MyTown for 35 years. He appeared to be in his 40�s or 50�s so we�re not talking about a youngster here. Keep that in mind as we go along. So onward. I explain the problem to him as he locates his flashlight. I overlook the fact that he barely found his way to my house because I totally expect to be dazzled by his vast and astounding knowledge of old, gas floor furnaces. Here�s that. (FG:) (Looking into the furnace with a flashlight.) Yup, this is an old one. (CI:) Here, let me take the grate off so you can see better. (FG:) Wow! That sure helps. Is it on? (CI:) Uh� no. I turned it off so you wouldn�t burn yourself trying to fix it. (FG:) Boy, it sure is dusty in here. Oh look, there�s a quarter down there. (CI:) I�m quite sure there�s a bunch of stuff down there. Anyway, see that stick there? That�s the key for the valve. I don�t think it�s all the way open. It just needs to be opened. And, the key is already on the valve so it just needs to be turned. (FG:) Okay. Which way do I turn it? (CI:) Uh, clockwise. (FG:) Oh, let me get these pliers to turn it with. Tries turning it and fails. (CI:) (Turning my head to roll my eyes. Turning back.) You have to push down on the valve and then turn it. (FG:) Oh hey! That makes it much easier. Okay, it�s all the way open. Lets try turning the heater on. (CI:) Is the pilot light on? (I know it�s not because I can�t see it and I can smell gas.) (FG:) I don�t know. Where is it? (CI:) Well, here, first lets take this cap off so you can see better. It should be right here. Let me take a look. No. It�s not on. We�ll (using that term loosely) have to re-light it. Let me get the matches and here�s the lighting stick. (Handing him a homemade wire device I use to lower matches 2� to the pilot light. The original device is long gone.) (FG:) Wow! How�d you use this? (CI:) You put the match here, light it and try to get it to the pilot before the match burns out. It�s tricky because there�s a wind tunnel effect when you lower it into the furnace. Okay. Enough dialogue. I think you get the point. For the record, I also had to show him how to strike the stick match to light it. And man was he ever surprised when I showed him the thermostat. He pointed out that it was really old, and seemed at a loss as to why it didn�t have a digital screen with a readout and everything. I do believe I have a slight short or something in the thermostat but quickly decided I didn�t want to pursue that issue. So, to recap this rather long story, the only thing the Furnace Guy contributed to my furnace problem solution was muscle. Other random Furnace Guy highlights. I had to give him directions to get back to the freeway. He told me that the old furnace guy gave the business and equipment/tools to him. And, he�s like a dad to him. Lets hope he has more expertise with modern heating and air systems, otherwise he�ll be running that business right into the ground. (The old furnace guy was an establishment and was in business for more than 40 years. He�s retired now.) He wanted a tour of my house. I changed the subject. He mentioned his �mother� and �his room� several times. I suspect he�s had some trouble along the way and/or still does. He tried to give me a tour of his mobile shop. I said a quick goodbye, scurried into my house and locked the door. He asked me where to send the bill. I was tempted to give him his own business address, but didn�t. I think next time I�ll just borrow a neighborhood husband or teenager. your thoughts? seed flower