9:01 p.m. | 2003-04-01 Don�t You Just Love Unexpected Meltdowns? So, guess what I did at work today? I cried. Yes, you heard me right. Me of little tears got caught off guard today. At WORK, no less. Gah. Where are those trapdoors when you need them? I�m not a crier and certainly not a public crier, so it�s difficult for me to even write about this. And, being female, crying at work has got to be one of the worst things you can do. However, I think I covered it up pretty well and I don�t think anyone even noticed. It was just one of those moments. I�m still quite sick, I�m very tired and I had to hit the ground running today since I was out three days last week and off yesterday. Needless to say, I was pretty overwhelmed when I got to work and found thirty emails awaiting me, two critical documents due immediately, four things in regards to my other job that I just punted that needed immediate attention, proceedings that I had to listen to underway already, and all my other work just sitting there waiting for me. Welcome back indeed. Anyway, later in the day, I was down the hall handling stuff on the job I just punted to someone else because she unable to take care of it because of other work. So, I was standing in her work area, with my back to her, talking on the phone. When I hung up, Lucky came over and offered his unsolicited advice on how I should handle things. Or, more precisely, he told me that I shouldn�t do my job such and such way and should do it his way. To be fair, Lucky was actually just trying to protect me. See, this job I punted, it involves situations that are very heartbreaking, however, there�s already a built-in distance to everything just due to the nature of the job. From Lucky�s point of view, I should remain completely detached in order not to �get hurt�. (And, in his past career, detachment was essential.) From my point of view, we�re already distanced enough that a little emotional involvement results in only minor �hurt�, if you will. So, in this particular case, I think it�s okay to actually give a rat�s ass about the people and the situations. Sorry, to be vague but it�s hard to explain. Lucky shared his advice in a guy-to-guy manner� totally blunt, matter of fact and no sugarcoating at all. I�m typically �one of the guys� and usually that type of thing doesn�t phase me. However, I was a little fragile today, which happens sometimes when you�re a chick. After sharing, Lucky walked away and, to my horror, tears sprung right up in my eyes. I�ve only cried once at work before and that was about 15 years ago. I quickly looked down, thereby obscuring my face completely with my hair, and started writing in a file as tears ran down my face. Fortunately, I�m already all sniffly due to my illness, and I�m a silent crier, so it wasn�t obvious. However, tears started to drop on the paper so, as I was writing, my tears were smearing the ink everywhere and threatening to erase my words as I wrote them. Fortunately, tissues were handy, so I grabbed one and proceeded to stem the flow of tears and snot. It took me several minutes to gain my composure and get my face clean before I could proceed. I quickly finished what I was doing, which unfortunately involved another phone call, and scurried back to my desk. And, to give Lucky credit, he later emailed me and thanked me for doing such �GOOD WORK!� I don�t even know why I�m writing about this, but I do feel better now. I�m not a frequent crier, nor do I use tears and dramatics to make a point or get my way, so when I do cry, it happens totally spontaneously. Just like it did today. Mostly I cry from frustration or physical pain. And, of course, I cry from things like my dad dying and such. Today, I was frustrated, overwhelmed and felt like shit so tears were, apparently, sitting pretty close to my eyes. I just can�t believe I cried at work. I guess that makes me, well, human. As tough as I can be and as much as I can laugh things off, I can also cry like a baby. Except I�m much quieter and more discreet about it. What bothers me more is the work thing. I grew up in the workforce during the era when, if you�re female and you plan on moving up at any time, you�d better not cry at work. Then you�re labeled as �unstable�, �hysterical� and �emotional�. And, you�re put on the fast track to nowhere. That wouldn�t have been the case today because these people know me and know that I�m tougher than most. They would have chalked it up to my being sick, overworked and grieving from multiple deaths. But, you know, I didn�t really want to test that theory. So anyway, I don�t know about you, but I feel better now. your thoughts? seed flower