Do Not Use For Storage

9:05 p.m. | 2003-08-06
Next Thing You Know, I�ll Have To Dye The Grey Right Outta My Hair.
I scheduled an eye doctor appointment for today for several reasons. One, I haven�t gone in a couple of years. Two, I wanted to update my glasses. And, three, I�ve been experiencing a change in vision.
I showed up 15 minutes early because I figured they�d make me fill out some new forms. They did. The appointment was with my normal eye doctor�s partner because he was busy or something. She was very cool. Anyway, here�s some of that.
(ED:) Have a seat. It�s been about 2 years since you�ve been here. Anything new?
(CI:) Yeah, I�ve noticed that I have a change in my vision. I often have visual disturbances with the fibro, but I�ve been tracking this and it appears unrelated.
(ED:) What�s been going on?
(CI:) Uh, well� um, I have to hold things far away to read them now. At least while wearing my contacts or glasses. I can read fine without either, but not so good with them. I think I might be needing bifocals. (Shuddering.)
(ED:) Really?! (Looking at my chart.) Oh. You�re in your late thirties, which is a little early for that, but it�s not unheard of. Here, hold this in front of you until you can read it comfortably.
(CI:) (I extend my arm all the way out.)
(ED:) Oh, I see. You have to fully extend your arm. (Putting two lenses in front of my glasses.) How about now?
(CI:) That�s much better. Let me guess� those are magnifying lenses, huh?
(ED:) (Chuckling.) Yes, they are.
(CI:) Do I need to run out and buy a granny sweater and reading glasses?
(ED:) Well, you ARE in the first stages of needing bifocals. There are several options for eyewear. You can get regular bifocal glasses with the line across the middle, or you can get progressive lenses which are bifocals but there�s no line. As far as contacts go, you can get bifocal ones � which cut down on your distance sight � or monofocal (I think that�s what she said) ones where one eye is corrected for distance sight and the other eye is corrected for seeing up close � which cuts down on your depth perception.
(CI:) I�ll go with progressive lenses for my glasses and leave my contacts the way they are. I have spatial problems as it is so if I cut down on my depth perception, I think I�d actually be a safety hazard. Not only to myself but to others as well.
BIFOCALS? What the fuck? Cruel-Irony wearing BIFOCALS? Blech. Yuk. Patuey. I spit on the mere idea of that. Yet, there it is.
She completed all the little tests � is 1 better or 2? 2 or 3? 3 or 4? � put the stingy, yellow drops in my eyes and then the dilating liquid. Then, she sent me out of the room so I could look at frames or whatever until my eyes were fully dilated.
I kicked around checking out new frames and whatnot. I decided that I wanted new glasses that are young, hip and fashionable. I only looked at a few before I couldn�t see well. Then the eye doctor called me back in to check my retinas. After she was done, she asked me if I had any other questions.
(CI:) Yes, I do. Is it really gross looking at an eyeball with a magnifying lense?
(ED:) No. (She grabs a book.) See, I�ll show you. Here�s what I see when I dilate your eyes. Here�s the retina, here�s the macular and these are the blood vessels. And note (she points to the words), this is a normal retina. It looks just like yours because yours are normal.
I thought it looked kinda gross, but I guess it�s all in the eye of the beholder. So to speak.
Then, she sent me outta the room. A cute young lady (CYL) � who�s very hip and trendy � then led me to the final test. The peripheral vision test. It�s done with a machine. You patch one eye, follow a red dot with the other and push the button whenever green dots appear in the peripheral areas. Then, you patch the other eye and repeat the process. Here�s that.
(CI:) Oh, the red dot game. I haven�t played this in a couple of years.
(CYL:) Well, have a seat and put this (hands me a patch) over your right eye.
(CI:) Oh, I forgot I get to wear a pirate patch. (I put it on.) AYE Matey, give me all your gold!!
(CYL:) (Waiting until I was done imitating a pirate.) Here�s the button. Put your forehead here. Follow the red light with your eye and press the button when you see any green dots. If you see three green dots, press the button three times, and so on. Lets do a little demo first.
(CI:) (I whip through the demo. I mean, I�m a pirate and all. Dots don�t scare me.)
(CYL:) OH-kay. I can see that you already know how to do this. I�ll start the test now.
After that fun, CYL asked me about new frames. This is that.
(CYL:) Do you want to look around at the different frames to get an idea of what you want?
(CI:) No. I want YOU to make me look all pretty and stuff. And, I want my glasses to look like they couldn�t possibly be BIFOCALS. I want to look all young, hip and trendy.
(CYL:) Okay. Do you want to stick with metal frames or go with plastic ones?
(CI:) Metal, please. I�m still recovering from those HUGE plastic frames I wore in the �80s. They covered my whole face. I�m still suffering from traumatic flashbacks of plastic frames.
(CYL:) These ones are smaller but they�re still pretty bold.
(CI:) Yeah, I don�t want bold. I want �these couldn�t possibly be BIFOCALS because they�re just too cute� kinda glasses.
Let me just say that CYL is very good at her job. I ended up with cute little frames that are actually pretty girly. And hip and trendy.
The eye doctor interrupted us at some point to give me the results of my red dot pirate game. Here�s that.
(ED:) Here�s your results. You properly identified every single green dot.
(CI:) So, I passed with flying colors. Yay! That means my peripheral vision is still intact.
(ED:) Absolutely. If someone tries to mug you, you�ll definitely see them no matter which angle they�re coming from.
(CI:) Well, until they get right up into my face� then I�ll have to use my BIFOCALS or they�ll just be a blur.
After all was said and done, it worked out well. For $250 I got my eyes examined, progressive lenses � with transitional tinting � and new trendy frames. I had to pay some various co-pays and some extra on the progressive lenses and frames, but still I saved a bunch thanks to my insurance benefits.
Just for the record, my vanity cost me $150. I could have walked out of there for $100 bucks, but then I�d have glasses with lines. I�m sure that, as I get older, I won�t care about such things, but for now, let me just say� bifocals are just not sexy. Really, they�re just not. Especially when you�re in your thirties and look like you�re in your twenties. I�m just saying.
And, I�m very, very grateful that my actual vision hasn�t deteriorated any further. My prescription is still the same.
When I got back to work, I checked in with Boss. This is that.
(CI:) Look! My eyes are dilated! I can barely see. Thank god my eye doctor is right next door.
(Boss:) I can tell. Your pupils are HUGE. How�d it go?
(CI:) I had to get bifocals. BIFOCALS. I can�t believe it.
(Boss:) That�s about right. I had to get them at around 42.
(CI:) See, that�s just it, I�m not in my 40�s yet. Close, but not quite. My eye doctor says that usually starts happening around 41. See, 38 is NOT 41. It�s just not right.
(Boss:) Well, you�re just um� different from other people. YOU have issues. Or something. Did you get cute glasses?
(CI:) I think so. I had a hip and trendy young lady help me pick them out and they seemed to be really cute. However, I can�t really see because my eyes are just full of light right now.
(Boss:) I can�t wait to see them.
(CI:) Me too.
I can hardly wait to go to the dentist next week.

your thoughts?

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