10:06 p.m. | 2005-11-15 When Hindsight Becomes Foresight. Throughout my life, I�ve always been dismayed that I�ve never had a glamorous talent. Not a singer, dancer or artist. I�ve questioned my worth a lot. I mean, I can clean, organize and schedule like there�s no tomorrow, but that�s all so mundane. My mother taught me those things. My mother. I wished she would�ve taught me to cook, but she hated it whenever any of us kids appeared in the kitchen. I wished she would�ve taught me how to have fun, but she wasn�t about that. Most of all, I wished she would�ve taught me how to be me. I wished in vain. However, she did teach me a lot of important things besides cleaning and whatnot. She taught me manners and those have always served me well. She taught me to look forward to turning 40. Don�t know many moms who teach that. It�s unfortunate that so many women dread it. I LOVE it. And, she taught me how to handle death and grieving with grace and gratitude. Lots of people have died in my lifetime. Too many. From the time I was an infant until right now. Over forty years of people dying. I was right there with my mom a lot. Holding the hand of a dying person or comforting those around such a person. As a side note, let me just say that death brings about unexpected �bedfellows�. They�ll be about your bedside too, just so you know. Friends you forgot you had, relatives you never knew and brand new people who you connect with right before you take your last breath. I don�t mean that to sound crass, it�s just the truth. I�ve been all those people. Many times. I�ve been a friend, a relative and a stranger. What my mom taught me, for as long as I can remember, is that when a person is about to die, you need to be there. That it�s the most honorable thing you can do. And, you should never, ever shy away from a person who is about to die because you can�t stand the fact that you�ll be bereft by their departure. She taught me that you should understand what a wonderful gift it is to share such a profound moment with a person. (The most profound one, in my opinion.) She told me that all those things apply to the people left behind too. I think she�s right about that. She also shared with me that when people are dying, they know it � which is why it�s important to be there; time is limited � but the people left behind are often caught off-guard. In other words, they need comforting more than the dear departed. That�s so true. At least in my experience. And, my own experience is rather extensive. Been on both sides. I�ve straddled the fence many of times and often comforted my own self because of that. (When an immediate member of the family dies, that�s what happens. It�s difficult to console and be consoled at the same time on such a deep level. Breaks up families actually.) I�m very grateful to my mother for teaching me how to deal with grief. It�s an odd thing for a parent to teach a child and it�s an odd thing to be taught. But, there it is. One of the most important things that I�ve learned is that 99% of people don�t know what to do when someone dies and they don�t know WHAT TO SAY to someone who�s lost a loved one. I�ve learned that that�s a HUGE stumbling block for most folks. Rightfully so. Again, I know both sides. I know what I hate to hear � good lord, don�t get me started on that � hence I know that it�s hard to know the right words to say. Which is ironic because there are no wrong or right words to say in a time of grief. Let me just say it�s better to say something I�d hate to hear than not to say anything at all. It�s extremely important to know that people care about your loss and, frankly, you really can�t �hear� when you�re grieving. The actual words don�t register, it�s the gesture. (If you can help it though, please, please, please don�t say to a grieving person: �How are you?�. Please. I know you want to, much as I do, and it�s natural, but resist. You can pretty much say anything else � even, �I hate snails� � and it�ll be better received. Trust me.) Anyway, I bring this all up because I�ve been thinking about doing some volunteer work so I�ve been trying to identify what I can contribute to this world. This death stuff, it�s on the forefront of my mind because of my recent reunion with Mare (And Mare, if I�m barking up the wrong tree, tell me straight away.) I think I want to work with the people left behind even though I�ve always been more comfortable working with those who are close to death. People who are in the process of dying are usually okay with it, whether it happens slowly or quickly. They know. It�s the loved ones they leave behind who have the hardest time with it. I want to help those people feel more comfortable with their loss. I want to fill that gap. That gap you feel when no one else in your life knows what to say so they don�t make eye contact and turn and walk in a different direction. To be there three months later when everyone else thinks that you�re �over it� or should be �over it�. To be there at the one year anniversary, the two year anniversary and the ten year anniversary to acknowledge that the loss is still a loss. To acknowledge that it becomes less painful, as it pertains to everyday life, over the years, but it�s still a loss. I�m thinking about doing that sort of volunteer work and I think I�d be good at it but I don�t want to make anyone�s grief greater. So, I�d like some feedback. What�d you guys think? (Please give me your very most honest opinion. That absolute last thing I would want to do is fuck up someone�s grief.) your thoughts? seed flower