7:23 p.m. | 2006-01-18 Inside Out. A few years ago I realized that I was living my life expecting to be married someday. In my thoughts about my future, nothing was set, meaning that I could envision myself married or not. Not a big deal actually. However, my actions - the way I was living my life - seemed to be based on eventual matrimony. Some sort of subliminal societal programming. An idea buried far away in my subconscious. For example, I lived in rentals always presuming someday I would live in a house, you know, after I got married. Once I realized this, I starting making decisions differently. I moved Downtown, choosing to live in a space wholly suited for ME. Without regard for anyone else. My home is set up to be pleasing and workable for me. And, I cast aside the customary idea of a �knight in shining armor� galloping into my life and unfurling my future at my feet. An idea as unappealing as it is unrealistic. Freed from this expectation, I went on with my life. Kinda. Recently, I once again realized that I�m waiting for something. I�m not sure what. Some outside force that will guide my future I suppose. For many years, I was engrossed in doing just that... guiding my own future. I amassed life skills, work experience and education aplenty in order to move my life in the direction I wanted to go. Once I achieved all that, I just kinda sat back not knowing what to do from there, I guess. Originally, my goal was to make sure that I could always be self-sufficient. I never wanted to rely on anyone else. I watched MyMother go from man to man, susceptible to their whims and their control because she was unable to support herself. I never wanted that for myself. I wanted to always have choices. So why am I still waiting for something to propel my future? I think it�s because I don�t really know how to proceed. MyMother taught me to be a �good wife and mother� � how to wait on men hand and foot, how to properly clean a house from top to bottom, how to subordinate my needs and desires. Meanwhile, MyDad taught me to be independent � to pursue my goals, to put myself first, to become whoever I wanted to be. I think I ended up confused. On the one hand, I refuse to compromise myself for another yet on the other hand, I find myself apologizing for not being more reticent. I jump into my life with both feet and then carefully withdraw them as though I�ve leapt onto some forbidden territory. As far as generations go, I�m technically a Baby Boomer. However, I really fall into a little-known category of �Tweeners � those who are really between Baby Boomers and Generation X. It�s a generation hopelessly confused by a lifetime of mixed messages. Remember this: �I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan and never let you forget you�re a man because I�m a woman, W O M A N!� Yeah. Thanks. So the next thing on my list is to just get on with my life and stop waiting for whatever it is I�ve been waiting for. It�s time to shine. Rock and Roll! your thoughts? seed flower